Simple Spirituality for Busy People.
facilities for those who cannot fulfill the responsibilities of life
I've recently visited with a lifelong friend, a doctor, 61, who has developed bipolarity, high blood pressure and diabetes over the last year due, in part, to his responses to his life's challenges. Noteworthy among these challenges are getting a divorce (upcoming, and he'll have to pay alimony and child support), overdependence on his wife to taking care of even the most mundane activities (cooking for himself, for example, cleaning up his mess of books, papers---important papers), heavy-duty medications that are fogging his intellect somewhat, making him less able to successfully do his job, having to move out of his house within the next month, not being able to see his kids (one 15, one 18 y.o.), having too much overhead in his practice and having no money as backup.
He's a good man, but given his upbringing and his parents, he had some major challenges to overcome, but he never really did overcome them.
He's a mess, as I found out this last weekend. He's a brilliant guy, however, but his current extremely low self-esteem is getting in the way of any kind of help I've offered him.
While it's conceivable he may survive the next few months alone (so to speak, with perhaps only one reasonably close friend in his area), I believe the odds are that he will need to be in a facility before too long.
However, he was put into an institution for three days, on two occasions several months ago, and they weren't good experiences.
I'm thinking that if he needs a respite from his responsibilities, I'd like to find a facility that will treat him with dignity and not just give him meds and lock him up. There must be a place that wouldn't require exorbitant prices while letting him get back onto his emotional feet, so to speak. In so doing he might lose his medical license, as his insurance lapses, but as I said, he's a brilliant guy who just needs some time to himself without the financial responsibilities he's incurred. He's also a very funny guy, who always kept his patients laughing, and had a very good bedside manner. But his sense of humor has all but gone.
Anyway, that's my challenge---to find a place for him should it come to that, which I believe it will. He won't have any money for this (and I can't afford to fund him) until his house is sold, but there are no guarantees when that will happen either. And even then, his share of the money, after his expenses, will be minimal.
One more thing: His main innate resource is his ability to talk to himself (that can be a very useful and positive skill----I'm not talking about the negative cliche of such behavior that's attributed to mental illness). The problem with it is that instead of using it to help solve problems, he's using soliloquy to put himself down, on a 24/7 basis, almost spasmodically at times, berating himself for all the mistakes he's made. Taking that cue from him, to use his resources to change him in a postive way, I've given him a couple of mantras to repeat, over and over again, and he practiced them a few times, but a couple of days later, he had forgetten them already. (I need new skills, I need new skills, I need new skills.....and: I need help, I need help, I need help...)
Any suggestions?
Joe Edley
He's a good man, but given his upbringing and his parents, he had some major challenges to overcome, but he never really did overcome them.
He's a mess, as I found out this last weekend. He's a brilliant guy, however, but his current extremely low self-esteem is getting in the way of any kind of help I've offered him.
While it's conceivable he may survive the next few months alone (so to speak, with perhaps only one reasonably close friend in his area), I believe the odds are that he will need to be in a facility before too long.
However, he was put into an institution for three days, on two occasions several months ago, and they weren't good experiences.
I'm thinking that if he needs a respite from his responsibilities, I'd like to find a facility that will treat him with dignity and not just give him meds and lock him up. There must be a place that wouldn't require exorbitant prices while letting him get back onto his emotional feet, so to speak. In so doing he might lose his medical license, as his insurance lapses, but as I said, he's a brilliant guy who just needs some time to himself without the financial responsibilities he's incurred. He's also a very funny guy, who always kept his patients laughing, and had a very good bedside manner. But his sense of humor has all but gone.
Anyway, that's my challenge---to find a place for him should it come to that, which I believe it will. He won't have any money for this (and I can't afford to fund him) until his house is sold, but there are no guarantees when that will happen either. And even then, his share of the money, after his expenses, will be minimal.
One more thing: His main innate resource is his ability to talk to himself (that can be a very useful and positive skill----I'm not talking about the negative cliche of such behavior that's attributed to mental illness). The problem with it is that instead of using it to help solve problems, he's using soliloquy to put himself down, on a 24/7 basis, almost spasmodically at times, berating himself for all the mistakes he's made. Taking that cue from him, to use his resources to change him in a postive way, I've given him a couple of mantras to repeat, over and over again, and he practiced them a few times, but a couple of days later, he had forgetten them already. (I need new skills, I need new skills, I need new skills.....and: I need help, I need help, I need help...)
Any suggestions?
Joe Edley
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Leianne Wilson on -
Just know that in the pursuit of your dedication to helping this friend in need my prayers are with you and he to find the solutions for true healing!!
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Permalink Reply by Joe Edley on
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Thank you. I've already had some new ideas on how to help him from a distance, which includes 2 or 3 conversations weekly with him via the phone, and me directing the conversations toward his learning vital new skills for his taking care of himself. It may not work, but it's a start.
Joe
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Permalink Reply by kimberly on -
HI joe, Unfortunately i dont have any answers for you , but I did recently read a very interesting article about a large # of Dr's who suffer from depression and eventually commit suicide.. How they are preceved is extreemly important to them.. not just to their egos but their entire career.. You would be amazed how many physisians suffer like your friend..and suffer in silence. he is so blessed to have you by his side!! Including the divorce and running out of money. Another sad part is because of all the torment and pain that the may be enduring, it also reflects on their children..and they get forgotten, they feel forgotten and unimportant because the parents are trying so hard to just make it ok for themselves or just become numb. This you might want to enlighten him on..
2 of the drs I know... their sons killed themselves of drug overdose.. not to make it any harder on you or him .. I am hoping he might find a lil joy in knowing how important it is for him to get well just so that his children wont give up either. He really is not alone in his suffering, trust me I work with more surgeons on a daily basis than you know and most are miserable? his ilnesses dont seem to be all that bad.. as long as he finds the propper tretment.. Once he starts feeling better mentally the rest will take care of itself. He needs alot of love. I will definately be sending you my good wishes and prayers. Good luck
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thanks! But I just talked to him yesterday and he's just lost in a recurring negative mental loop. He hates the idea of going into a facility, but I really don't see how he's going to handle his responsibilities without it.
I know that I'm doing all I can to keep in contact with him, and we'll just have to see how he responds to the new deadlines: having to leave his home and rent a new one, dealing with unpaid bills...etc. I can't get him to focus more than a few seconds on anything positive.
I can relate to your notes on unhappy doctors. It's so unfortunate that those who are excellent caregivers don't have built into them (from appropriate schooling I would hope) the notion or a societal structure that caters to caregivers who lose their way.
I've been thinking about the positive effects of small groups of people who get together on a regular basis to meditate and discuss life's issues and solutions. If that kind of group were on every streetcorner, so to speak, then everyone could belong to a group that dealt with individuals and developed loving friendships. LeeAnn seems to be doing her part to develop a great place for people to work through their challenges. But I'm thinking about an in-person group structure that might also be useful. Don't know if I will follow through with this, it's still just an idea, but I'll let it percolate in my brain for awhile.
Joe
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